My decision to stop chemotherapy

I finally had a look at my MRI, the first time in the 4 years I've been going to the cancer centre (points go to Dr.. Torres). He even printed it out with the full MRI results for me to have in hand. Now, that's all medical jargon, so it means nothing, but the fact he did so means a lot. When viewing the MRI's side by side from July 2013 and July 2014, there is a part of my brain at the right temporal lobe that is plump. That is where the cells are. That's the thing. There is no distinctive mass wrapped up within my brain at the moment, but activity within the brain tissue itself. This is signaling activity of progression. But here's the other thing.

I mentioned in 2010 that I was told I wasn't compatible with the chemo drug. That's not entirely accurate, what is accurate is that my tumour is not compatible with the drug. Confused yet? Yeah, me too. So, all malignant tumours have receptors, and these receptors are what chemotherapy drugs are aimed at, or at least what the Drs hope are going to grab the drugs to kill them in their tracks. My particular tumour doesn't have the receptors that attracts/catches (in laymans terms) the temadol. So, by taking the temadol, it's kind of a craps shoot, I'm hoping that some of the chemotherapy will be picked up by the tumour while it's running through my entire body.

Dr. Torres says he hopes that the chemotherapy would help, but of course he can't make any guarantees (no Dr can when it comes to cancer therapy anyways). However, as sick as I was last week is as sick as I would be for the entire course of treatment due to the fact that this is how my body is reacting to the "ping back" from a receptor that just doesn't like the chemotherapy being tossed it's way. If the proper gene sequence was there, the tumour would act as a sponge and I probably wouldn't have any issues, unfortunately though it's not the case.

He did say I can opt in to chemotherapy at any time if I wanted to, but to me it seems like more of a gamble than I'm willing to make. I can't be laid up and completely dehydrated for weeks on end to try and get through this treatment, a treatment that because my tumour isn't compatible to the drug, I don't even know if there is going to be any end benefit. In the short 1 week I was on temodal, I was in the ER twice to be treated for dehydration, among other things, caused by the chemotherapy.

I said to my husband the thing that really sucks is that if 5 years down the road my tumour returns people can say, "well you didn't try the chemo, see!", but if I did chemo it would end up simply being, "well cancer sucks".

Yeah cancer really sucks. And I hate it with a passion. I'm trying to make the best decisions for myself with what I have, but I can't continue admitting myself to the hospital because I'm reacting to a chemotherapy drug in one way or another that I'm not fully compatible with.

It's a crappy situation. It's hard enough sometimes to pick whether you the chocolate or the vanilla cake, but it's even harder when faced with whether the cancer treatment you are picking is suppose to buy you 7 or 11 years. Well that's how it was put anyways.

Studies are showing that if you undergo radiation only that you have a life expectancy rate of 7 years, whereas those that pick radiation and chemo have a life expectancy rate of 11. Cold hard facts my Dr says. Well, I've come to be at peace with my decision of radiation only regardless of facts. I will live a clean lifestyle going forward, knowing the effects that sugar, flour, etc, plays on the proliferation of cancer cells. I will try to be as positive and as stress free as possible as well, believing that the decision I made is the right one for me.

And I have made the choice to not defend my decision to anyone, nor will I argue it to anyone. I get that people might not understand why I wouldn't take "all treatments available to me", but until you are standing in the shoes and dealing with the situation first hand, you really truly just can't understand it all. I just hope people can respect my decision to nix the chemo and go forward with radiation alone.

When I felt something on my tongue the other morning and opened my mouth to see, I saw the huge scar on my tongue from the chemo burn I got on Aug 21st from my first incident with the chemo pill. I thought to myself, "if this is how I'm reacting to the chemo, if my body is rejecting it, and this is how it's leaving scars on my tongue, what's it doing to the rest of me?" It just solidified my decision to stop taking a drug that I/my tumour, is not fully compatible with.

I hope that people can understand and respect my decision.  Because it isn't up for discussion.

~Tara